2 Days to Go - Mass Hysteria and Pandemonium
Standing Ovation Predictions:
Robert Altman (well, duh)
Ang Lee (hopefully)
-anyone in actor that isn't Hoffman would get a standing ovation
-George Clooney winning either supporting actor or director
-Amy Adams, Jake Gyllenhaal or Matt Dillon upsetting
Wild and crazy predictions:
Jake Gyllenhaal becomes to Brokeback what Juliette Binoche was to The English Patient.
Reese Witherspoon presents Dolly Parton.
Billy Bush will be annoying.
I will be drunk midshow and refer to everyone as a cunt from there on in.
No one will talk to Isaac Mizrahi on the red carpet. (Wishful thinking?)
Reese Witherspoon, normally seen in baby doll white dresses, goes full on 'I'm winning this shit!' glam with a 10 foot train. And gloves.
Felicity Huffman is funny on the red carpet. Her TV costars go on an insane coke binge.
Paris Hilton makes guests at an afterparty wonder why she's there.
Scarlett Johansson will not attend the show after getting lost in her own cleavage on the red carpet.
Reese Witherspoon will break up with her husband in her acceptance speech.
Nicole Kidman will wear a tophat.
Renee Zellweger does not attend as she in locked in Ellen Pompeo's Malibu beachhouse basement.
The Kat in TomKat shows up smoking and drinking cursing out evil Jen Lindley. Naomi Watts joins her. The Tom in TomKat later blames the incident on her lack of vitamins and exercise.
The men of Dawson's Creek begin work on their third and fourth, respectively, soon-to-be-not-picked-up pilots.
Ryan Phillipe, drunk after being dumped (probably before it, too), makes a pass at Judi Dench. It is actually Paul Giamatti.
Judi Dench accidentally sits on Keira Knightley, cracking her in half.
Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Lopez agree to change their first names. They are now Dierdre Garner, Lois Aniston and Lopey Lopez.
The show runs so long by the time it's over Angelina Jolie has adopted 5 more kids.
Winona Ryder keeps both halves of Keira Knightley to remind her of the talent she once possessed.
Gwyneth Paltrow shows up in an ugly dress, waves high to Sir AnTony Hopkins, then discusses what stupid name she is going to give her next demon child.
Despite being the supposedly gayest Oscars ever, the show goes fairly straight.
Till the afterparties when the boys go in one room and the girls in another and orgies commence in each.
Cate Blanchett does not attend as she is in a play in another country. And plotting world domination.
The show runs so long that Daniel Radcliffe has checked in and out of rehab by the time it is finished.
Amy Adams makes out with Jake Gyllenhaal at an afterparty.
Jon Stewart makes out with Amy Adams at an afterparty.
Jake Gyllenhaal makes out with Jon Stewart at an afterparty.
The show runs so long it is enough time for Penelope Cruz to actually become talented.
Ryan Phillipe, drunk after making out with Paul Giamatti, crashes into Sandra Bullock. Bullock calls him a cracker and falls down a flight of stairs that appeared out of nowhere. Everyone learns an important lesson because it was shoved down your throat.
George Clooney reveals that he is dating Ann Coulter.
No political jokes are made at all during the night.
Only 27 people have seen any the Best Picture nominees, but that doesn't stop the ratings from being the highest in years.
Reese Witherspoon is actually revealed to be a time traveling Dakota Fanning.
Sean Penn doesn't show up. Sean Penn watches the show with his wife but does not laugh or cry at anything. Robin Wright leaves Sean for George Clooney, who is delightful.
Winona Ryder, on her way home with the two halves of Keira, crashes into Matt Dillon. He rapes her. It's all okay though, because he eventually works with her on a movie. I mean, he's just doing his job there, too?
Felicity Huffman quits her TV show and considers a career in film. On the way home, she crashes into Helen Hunt. She immediately goes back to her TV show.
Rachel McAdams shows up anyways. She is lovely and the whole world falls in love her. Don't be misled. This is just part of Cate Blanchett's evil plan. Somehow.
Another annoying celeb couple nickname will form after Gwyneth Paltrow marries a penguin from March of the Penguins. They become PenGywn.
Robert Altman (well, duh)
Ang Lee (hopefully)
-anyone in actor that isn't Hoffman would get a standing ovation
-George Clooney winning either supporting actor or director
-Amy Adams, Jake Gyllenhaal or Matt Dillon upsetting
Wild and crazy predictions:
Jake Gyllenhaal becomes to Brokeback what Juliette Binoche was to The English Patient.
Reese Witherspoon presents Dolly Parton.
Billy Bush will be annoying.
I will be drunk midshow and refer to everyone as a cunt from there on in.
No one will talk to Isaac Mizrahi on the red carpet. (Wishful thinking?)
Reese Witherspoon, normally seen in baby doll white dresses, goes full on 'I'm winning this shit!' glam with a 10 foot train. And gloves.
Felicity Huffman is funny on the red carpet. Her TV costars go on an insane coke binge.
Paris Hilton makes guests at an afterparty wonder why she's there.
Scarlett Johansson will not attend the show after getting lost in her own cleavage on the red carpet.
Reese Witherspoon will break up with her husband in her acceptance speech.
Nicole Kidman will wear a tophat.
Renee Zellweger does not attend as she in locked in Ellen Pompeo's Malibu beachhouse basement.
The Kat in TomKat shows up smoking and drinking cursing out evil Jen Lindley. Naomi Watts joins her. The Tom in TomKat later blames the incident on her lack of vitamins and exercise.
The men of Dawson's Creek begin work on their third and fourth, respectively, soon-to-be-not-picked-up pilots.
Ryan Phillipe, drunk after being dumped (probably before it, too), makes a pass at Judi Dench. It is actually Paul Giamatti.
Judi Dench accidentally sits on Keira Knightley, cracking her in half.
Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Lopez agree to change their first names. They are now Dierdre Garner, Lois Aniston and Lopey Lopez.
The show runs so long by the time it's over Angelina Jolie has adopted 5 more kids.
Winona Ryder keeps both halves of Keira Knightley to remind her of the talent she once possessed.
Gwyneth Paltrow shows up in an ugly dress, waves high to Sir AnTony Hopkins, then discusses what stupid name she is going to give her next demon child.
Despite being the supposedly gayest Oscars ever, the show goes fairly straight.
Till the afterparties when the boys go in one room and the girls in another and orgies commence in each.
Cate Blanchett does not attend as she is in a play in another country. And plotting world domination.
The show runs so long that Daniel Radcliffe has checked in and out of rehab by the time it is finished.
Amy Adams makes out with Jake Gyllenhaal at an afterparty.
Jon Stewart makes out with Amy Adams at an afterparty.
Jake Gyllenhaal makes out with Jon Stewart at an afterparty.
The show runs so long it is enough time for Penelope Cruz to actually become talented.
Ryan Phillipe, drunk after making out with Paul Giamatti, crashes into Sandra Bullock. Bullock calls him a cracker and falls down a flight of stairs that appeared out of nowhere. Everyone learns an important lesson because it was shoved down your throat.
George Clooney reveals that he is dating Ann Coulter.
No political jokes are made at all during the night.
Only 27 people have seen any the Best Picture nominees, but that doesn't stop the ratings from being the highest in years.
Reese Witherspoon is actually revealed to be a time traveling Dakota Fanning.
Sean Penn doesn't show up. Sean Penn watches the show with his wife but does not laugh or cry at anything. Robin Wright leaves Sean for George Clooney, who is delightful.
Winona Ryder, on her way home with the two halves of Keira, crashes into Matt Dillon. He rapes her. It's all okay though, because he eventually works with her on a movie. I mean, he's just doing his job there, too?
Felicity Huffman quits her TV show and considers a career in film. On the way home, she crashes into Helen Hunt. She immediately goes back to her TV show.
Rachel McAdams shows up anyways. She is lovely and the whole world falls in love her. Don't be misled. This is just part of Cate Blanchett's evil plan. Somehow.
Another annoying celeb couple nickname will form after Gwyneth Paltrow marries a penguin from March of the Penguins. They become PenGywn.
posted by Darren at 12:16 AM
1 Comments:
:D this was awesomely funny, loved it. had me in fits of laughter!
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