Hey, I finally saw some 2006 releases...
The Hills Have Eyes (2006) - 7/10
She's the Man - 5/10
Failure to Launch - 3/10
Previous 2:
Bubble - 8/10
Something New - 5/10
Here, I'll tell you about Failure to Launch...
So it's like a remake of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, because Matthew McConaghey - I'm sorry People magazine, he's SOOOOO not the sexiest man alive - is apparently the male Meg Ryan-Bullock-Roberts. They just needed some guy who could be the most generic personality on earth, but completely laid back and take his shirt off. (Decent body, ugly face..Seriously, his nose is almost as bad as SJP's.) He lives with his parents who don't seem to mind him that much. Then they do mind it for sole plot advancement purposes. So they hire this woman Sarah Jessica Parker so he'll fall in love with her and eventually move out. But she won't sleep with him of course cuz that would make her a prostitute? Which she is anyways... The parents are played by Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw. Isn't that a hoot? Terry Bradshaw. Oh, this is how we can make this funny: we'll give him a nude scene and everyone will laugh cause it's Terry Bradshaw. Cuz that's like hilarious. Terry's ass on the big screen. They laugh. Darren vomits all over the place. It's bad enough we had to deal with Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel McCon-UGH-hey showing his chest in gratuitous fashion, Terry must be nude also. I'll take 20 minutes of hardcore Kathy Bates in About Schmidt over that shit anyday. So yeah. Back to the plot of the movie. So Carrie Kate Hudson Broderick Parker With a Nose eventually seduces him in some chair place (PRODUCT PLACEMENT!) and he asks her out on a date. Then we meet her roommate, played by Zooey Deschanel. Zooey is quirky and spends an entire subplot of the movie trying to kill a mockingbird. Yes. A MOCKINGBIRD. I feel sorry for the lovely Miss Deschanel. If the screenwriters had been a bit smarter - well, had they had brains at all - they might have made the entire movie about her. Why? Cuz at least she has a personality. Unlike Carrie Bradshaw on the Big Screen. (Yes, this movie stars Carrie Bradshaw and Terry Bradshaw.) Back to Matty - he has 2 buddies as well. One is Justin Bartha - who played the retard in Gigli and the retard in National Treasure. Well, I don't think he was retarded in that movie, but that movie was retarded so he is as well. The other is played by Bradley Cooper from Wedding Crashers and Alias. Bradley Cooper is insanely HOT! He takes his shirt off and it almost makes up for everything else in this miserable piece of shit. 'nother observation: every shirtless guy cept McConaghey sports a decent amount of chest hair. It's like that was in his contract so he could make his own chest glisten and women who favor the unnatural shaven look would swoon. Yeah, I'll take my Bradley over Stetson Matt. Of course, retard guy falls for quirky Zooey and they try to kill the mockingbird. There is even a To Kill a Mockingbird joke that involves Rob Culdry from The Daily Show playing a gun store employee. Zooey thinks the Harper Lee classic is an instruction manual. This is the best line in the film. But get this! They shoot it with a beebee...BB..whatever...gun and try to revive it. Thus we have to witness the retard giving the mockingbird CPR. I shit you not. While this is happening - and it is better than the rest of the movie believe it or not - Sarah Michelle Parker is being ubersweet and ubernonpersonality so Matty the Cable Guy will fall for her. And he does. I guess he figures they go together since neither of them has a personality that exists outside of a film. But yeah, he falls for her and as luck and screenwriters would have it eventually discovers her evil plan to get him to move out. Which leads to a predictable confrontational scene, the confession, the makeup, and the happy ending. The big ending is broadcast in a cafe where hip people sip and everyone eventually gets into the action yelling stuff at them. Personally, I would think Hillbilly Matt and the Sarah the Shemale would kill each other. I mean, it would be just as realistic. And much more entertaining. Yes, we bought it all in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. (Does Matthew only star in movies where people lie to each other then fall in love?) There's also another subplot that has Matthew getting bitten by lots of animals. This is later chalked up to being about nature rejecting him because his way of life is against the natural flow of things. Yeah. And best of all: there is a precocious black child. I don't think its ever explained how or why he is there. But he is. At least he doesn't crack jive jokes, so at least the screenwriters showed some restraint.
I'm sorry if I spoiled the movie for any of you who wanted to see it because there are apparently lots of you as this is a sleeper of sorts. Ah, sad times at Box Office 2006.
She's the Man - 5/10
Failure to Launch - 3/10
Previous 2:
Bubble - 8/10
Something New - 5/10
Here, I'll tell you about Failure to Launch...
So it's like a remake of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, because Matthew McConaghey - I'm sorry People magazine, he's SOOOOO not the sexiest man alive - is apparently the male Meg Ryan-Bullock-Roberts. They just needed some guy who could be the most generic personality on earth, but completely laid back and take his shirt off. (Decent body, ugly face..Seriously, his nose is almost as bad as SJP's.) He lives with his parents who don't seem to mind him that much. Then they do mind it for sole plot advancement purposes. So they hire this woman Sarah Jessica Parker so he'll fall in love with her and eventually move out. But she won't sleep with him of course cuz that would make her a prostitute? Which she is anyways... The parents are played by Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw. Isn't that a hoot? Terry Bradshaw. Oh, this is how we can make this funny: we'll give him a nude scene and everyone will laugh cause it's Terry Bradshaw. Cuz that's like hilarious. Terry's ass on the big screen. They laugh. Darren vomits all over the place. It's bad enough we had to deal with Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel McCon-UGH-hey showing his chest in gratuitous fashion, Terry must be nude also. I'll take 20 minutes of hardcore Kathy Bates in About Schmidt over that shit anyday. So yeah. Back to the plot of the movie. So Carrie Kate Hudson Broderick Parker With a Nose eventually seduces him in some chair place (PRODUCT PLACEMENT!) and he asks her out on a date. Then we meet her roommate, played by Zooey Deschanel. Zooey is quirky and spends an entire subplot of the movie trying to kill a mockingbird. Yes. A MOCKINGBIRD. I feel sorry for the lovely Miss Deschanel. If the screenwriters had been a bit smarter - well, had they had brains at all - they might have made the entire movie about her. Why? Cuz at least she has a personality. Unlike Carrie Bradshaw on the Big Screen. (Yes, this movie stars Carrie Bradshaw and Terry Bradshaw.) Back to Matty - he has 2 buddies as well. One is Justin Bartha - who played the retard in Gigli and the retard in National Treasure. Well, I don't think he was retarded in that movie, but that movie was retarded so he is as well. The other is played by Bradley Cooper from Wedding Crashers and Alias. Bradley Cooper is insanely HOT! He takes his shirt off and it almost makes up for everything else in this miserable piece of shit. 'nother observation: every shirtless guy cept McConaghey sports a decent amount of chest hair. It's like that was in his contract so he could make his own chest glisten and women who favor the unnatural shaven look would swoon. Yeah, I'll take my Bradley over Stetson Matt. Of course, retard guy falls for quirky Zooey and they try to kill the mockingbird. There is even a To Kill a Mockingbird joke that involves Rob Culdry from The Daily Show playing a gun store employee. Zooey thinks the Harper Lee classic is an instruction manual. This is the best line in the film. But get this! They shoot it with a beebee...BB..whatever...gun and try to revive it. Thus we have to witness the retard giving the mockingbird CPR. I shit you not. While this is happening - and it is better than the rest of the movie believe it or not - Sarah Michelle Parker is being ubersweet and ubernonpersonality so Matty the Cable Guy will fall for her. And he does. I guess he figures they go together since neither of them has a personality that exists outside of a film. But yeah, he falls for her and as luck and screenwriters would have it eventually discovers her evil plan to get him to move out. Which leads to a predictable confrontational scene, the confession, the makeup, and the happy ending. The big ending is broadcast in a cafe where hip people sip and everyone eventually gets into the action yelling stuff at them. Personally, I would think Hillbilly Matt and the Sarah the Shemale would kill each other. I mean, it would be just as realistic. And much more entertaining. Yes, we bought it all in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. (Does Matthew only star in movies where people lie to each other then fall in love?) There's also another subplot that has Matthew getting bitten by lots of animals. This is later chalked up to being about nature rejecting him because his way of life is against the natural flow of things. Yeah. And best of all: there is a precocious black child. I don't think its ever explained how or why he is there. But he is. At least he doesn't crack jive jokes, so at least the screenwriters showed some restraint.
I'm sorry if I spoiled the movie for any of you who wanted to see it because there are apparently lots of you as this is a sleeper of sorts. Ah, sad times at Box Office 2006.
posted by Darren at 11:15 PM
1 Comments:
oh darren, you're so witty. i like bradley cooper better too. and i know you don't actually feel bad for the people that want to see failure to launch you're a liiar.
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