Oh yeah! A complete ranking of every film I've seen this year with comments on the top 15 and random others! (I will be seeing
Proof,
The Matador and
Transamerica over the next month, but I don't have official dates. I'll publish this anyways.) You know you were dying for it! Sweet ass, here it is!
119. KICKING AND SCREAMINGWorst. Movie. Of. The. Year.
118. THE PACIFIERWhy, Lauren Graham, why?
117. PRETTY PERSUASIONDark comedy done wrong. Way wrong.
116. STAYBoring and pretentious. Rent
Jacob's Ladder or
Carnival of Souls instead.
115. FANTASTIC FOUR114. THE AMITYVILLE HORRORAs bad as the original.
113. JUST FRIENDSAnna Faris deserves better.
112. CONSTANTINE111. CRY_WOLF110. WHITE NOISE109. UNDEADAustralian cult hit has some charm, but is mostly just bad and confusing.
108. THE WEDDING DATEDebra Messing has zero chance at a film career.
107. MISS CONGENIALITY 2: ARMED AND FABULOUSLoved the first one, but why was this made?
106. BOOGEYMAN105. MADAGASCAR104. ELEKTRAWhy, Jennifer, why?
103. DERAILEDAniston has a better chance at a film career than Messing, but not in this film. It felt like an early 90's sexual crime drama. Clive Owen smolders.
102. RENTYou know it's bad that when the characters of this film - who are for the most part supposed to be "my peeps" - made me cringe with their (I guess we can call it) "art." I just wanted to scream "get a fucking job, loser." Ugh. It's one of those films where someone almost dies, then starts singing when their life has been revived.
101. HIDE AND SEEKDakota deglams as a brunette. The twist ending is as pedestrian as they come. What a weird supporting cast, too: Amy Irving, Elisabeth Shue and Famke Jannsen?
100. THE BROTHERS GRIMMShoulda been a porno.
99. VENOMReturn to 80's slasher. Moves very fast and is bad in a very fun way.
98. THE SQUID AND THE WHALEOKAY! This movie is very very very well written and acted. But it epitomizes everything that is annoying about independent film and everything that is wrong with stuffy, intellectual New York characters. I wanted to shoot everyone on screen. No, that's not harsh enough. This movie is the reason people hate indie films. This movie is the reason red states hate blue states. For the love of god, skip this and rent my #4 movie of the year!
97. RUMOR HAS ITThe Graduate is so great it goes completely unscathed from this dull misfire.
96. AEON FLUXResist it, Darren. Don't do it, Darren. Don't....can't...defenses melting...melting...AEON SUCKS!
95. CHICKEN LITTLE94. KINGDOM OF HEAVENDidn't I see this 3000 times before? Wasn't it better every time?
93. AN UNFINISHED LIFE92. LORD OF WAR91. YESNo. Joan Allen is just fantastic here. The movie is told in rhyme. Need I say more? Yes..snore.
90. THE PRODUCERSUma and Will are really great, but the rest of the Broadway cast seems to have trouble adjusting. Gets better as it goes along.
89. FUN WITH DICK AND JANESome strong satire is present, but it's bogged down by the cliched final act.
88. THE BAD NEWS BEARS87. CURSEDYeah, really really sad about this one.
86. MONSTER-IN-LAW85. SHOPGIRLWhat was with that score?!
84. BEWITCHEDNicole Kidman is utterly enchanting. The rest of the movie: not so much.
83. ELIZABETHTOWNReally, Mr. Crowe: How many songs can you cram into a film?
82. THE BALLAD OF JACK AND ROSE81. THE JACKET80. FLIGHTPLAN79. HITCH78. MUST LOVE DOGSJohn Cusack, just give it up. You can't do mainstream romcom.
77. HERBIE: FULLY LOADEDLast time, I promise: Lindsay Lohan - Fully Loaded
76. THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY75. MINDHUNTERS74. MELINDA AND MELINDAThe drama isn't riveting. The comedy isn't funny. Despite some good writing and acting, just doesn't work.
73. SYRIANAConvoluted! I'm apparently retarded.
72. HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIREEmma Watson has a long career ahead of her. Daniel Radcliffe does not. Love Miranda Richardson here.
71. THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSEThe scariest episode of
Law & Order EVER. Wait, a sec! I hate
Law & Order.
70. LAST DAYSI'm convinced Gus Van Sant could film a block of cheese for two hours and his supporters would call it brilliant.
69. DOMINO"My name is Domino Harvey. I am a bounty hunter."
68. BRIDE AND PREJUDICE67. MEMOIRS OF A GEISHAI shall destroy you! It's like an elaborately decorated box. Beautiful on the outside, nothing inside. YOU ARE TO BE COME GEISHA!
66. NOVEMBERCourteney Cox dabbles in indies.
65. HAVOCYou can find Anne Hathaway's nude scenes all over the internet. There, I saved you from renting this.
64. MR & MRS SMITHBrangelina!
63. THE UPSIDE OF ANGERJoan Allen and Kevin Costner are really really great. The rest is bleh.
62. HIGH TENSIONPsychotic lesbian obsession slasher flick.
61. THE RING TWO"I'm not your fucking mommy." Nuff said.
60. THE BAXTER59. CASANOVAA fun and forgettable romp.
58. HOSTAGEMakes a solid rental.
57. PRIME56. HEIGHTSGlenn Close is great but I prefer Elizabeth Banks in comedy.
55. WEDDING CRASHERSThese "frat pack" comedies are easy to digest but are getting old.
54. CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORYLike eating a lot of chocolate: delicious at first, but gives you a headache FAST.
53. WOLF CREEKProves that no matter where you live - even Australia - rednecks exist. And will kill you. Has several moments that even made me flinch.
52. CINDERELLA MANOscar-bait of the year, and thankfully, it didn't pay off.
51. MILLIONS50. LAYER CAKEDaniel Craig and Sienna Miller sure are pretty.
49. ROBOTS48. THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE47. THE WEATHER MANLove some of the dialogue in this. Cage is really good.
46. KUNG-FU HUSTLE45. INSIDE DEEP THROAT44. JUST LIKE HEAVEN41. DARK WATER & HOUSE OF WAX & THE SKELETON KEYThe underrated films of the year. Connolly is terrific in
DW.
TSK has the best twist ending in a loooooooooong time. And
HOW has a strong and quite showy final act. Plus, Paris Hilton dies.
40. KING KONGSpectacular ending can't offset this being 30 minutes too long and some shoddy CGI elements. Technically stunning, nontheless. Watts is good.
39. RED EYERachel and Cillian take off.
38. JARHEADHomoerotic film of the year. Jake and the Santa hat. Nuff said.
37. MUNICHElements of greatness can barely shine through a weak screenplay (Oscar, what were you thinking?) and that this needed a lot more time in post to trim some of the fat. That sex scene is campy delight.
36. MARCH OF THE PENGUINSEveryone loves penguins. They are, like, life-affirming.
35. THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTSIf you do or don't have a vagina, you'll feel like you do. The actresses are terrific, particularly Jenna Boyd. She could give Dakota Fanning a lesson on how to play an 11 year old.
34. TIM BURTON'S CORPSE BRIDE33. SIN CITY32. IN HER SHOES31. LORDS OF DOGTOWNAnother really underrated film. Heath Ledger's first good performance of the year.
30. THE FAMILY STONEIt's like Frank Capra directing a wonderful liberal fantasty. Strong acting by everyone, particularly Sarah Jessica Parker.
29. BROKEN FLOWERS28. THE INTERPRETER27. SERENITYSo much fun.
26. TURTLES CAN FLYA very important film about kids in Iraq as the war breaks out. Pretty devastating stuff.
25. GRIZZLY MAN24. PALINDROMESSome will downright despise this.
23. WALLACE AND GROMIT: THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT22. WAR OF THE WORLDS21. GEORGE A ROMERO'S LAND OF THE DEAD20. ME AND YOU AND EVERYONE WE KNOWMiranda July's quirky but endearing indie.
19. FEVER PITCHAn underappreciated gem. The Farrelly brothers leave the potty humor behind and Drew and Jimmy shine.
18. NORTH COUNTRYI would have loved this movie when I was 12. It just reminds me of so many movies I loved growing up. Is there something wrong with me for thinking that? I guess I feel like I grew up with these characters. Everything in the film feels so familiar. Except for the being sexually harassed in a mine bit.
17. THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGINCarell and the boys are easy to love. But the women really steal the show. Despite what critics groups and awards bodies will tell you, this is Catherine Keener's best performance of 2005. Jane Lynch just stands there and makes me laugh. Elizabeth Banks has a great laugh. But Leslie Mann as the drunk chick is the best part of this alternately sweet and raunchy romcom.
16. MY SUMMER OF LOVEStrong character film featuring fine performances. And lesbians. I know you like those.
15. MATCH POINTThe story of a former tennis pro ascending the London social ladder thanks to his connection to an affluent family is Woody Allen's best in almost a decade. The first half is much stronger than the second I think. It starts out like
Closer then turns into
Fatal Attraction...kinda. Scarlett Johansson is deliciously over-the-top in a believable manner as the lucious femme fatale. Jonathan Rhys Meyer proves a very capable leading man who does some rather unrelatable things as the film progresses. Allen should detour like this more often.
14. BATMAN BEGINSChristopher Nolan injects realism into what ended up a campfest in the new installment of the
Batman series, which finds Bruce Wayne returning to a crime filled Gotham City. Christian Bale was born to play the Bat. Strong supporting work by Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine. Feels more like a crime noir than some of the more fantasy oriented first series. Can't wait to see where it all goes from here.
13. CRASHIt has moments that are over the top and heavy handed, yes. (I'm thinking of the cloak scene with the Persian shop owner and the gun.) But for the most part, this tale of racial tension in LA over the course of 36 hours sizzles with a kind of raw power. And give it credit for attempting to create conversation on topics that many seem afraid to discuss. Matt Dillon, as a seemingly racist cop, and Thandie Newton, as the wife of a television producer, give the best performances out of the very large ensemble. The dialogue, however, is the real showcase here. It practically pops off the screen.
12. THE CONSTANT GARDENERAn activist is murdered and her husband digs around to find out the truth - leading to coverups and conspiracies. Part thriller, part riveting drama, it ends up a very engaging love story about falling madly in love with someone you thought you already knew. Ralph Fiennes is a great leading man, but Rachel Weisz as his ill-fated wife gives a performance that is every bit as passionate as the character she plays. Top notch technical qualities abound in Fernando Mereilles' provocative follow up to
City of God.
11. MYSTERIOUS SKINImagine a cross between
Mystic River and an episode of
The X-Files and you've got Gregg Araki's newest and easily best film. Joseph Gordon Levitt (yes, Tommy from
3rd Rock From the Son) shows major potential in the acting department in this emotionally crippling account of two young men - one who was molested when he was younger, the other believed to have been abducted by aliens. Araki never shies away from anything taboo and the film is very graphic, but had it not been, the film's ending - which offers acceptance instead of resolution - would not have been as powerful. Bring tissues.
10 - WALK THE LINEThe biopic of the love affair between Johnny Cash and June Carter may sing a familiar tune, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sing it well. Very well. As the legendary crooners, Joaquin Phoenix and Reese "..baby, baby, baby.." Witherspoon light up the screen with movie star charisma and an umatched, intense chemistry that owns the concent and performance sequences. Add the two to a long list of actors that could have their own singing careers. Director James Mangold and the film's editor keep the pulsating energy flowing all through the picture, but the actors in musical sequences set it ablaze. Far superior to last year's overlong
Ray and right on par with 1980's
Coal Miner's Daughter, it's the heterosexual love story of the year. (Let's see
that on the DVD box.)
9 - PRIDE AND PREJUDICEKeira Knightley will probably not be a great actress, but she proves her movie star worth in this umpteenth adaptation of Jane Austen's beloved novel. As the heroine Elizabeth, Knightley makes your heart skip a beat and it's quite obvious how much the camera loves her. The way she wraps herself around the difficult dialogue with such nimbleness and aplomb is enough for any actor with period piece experience should be mighty jealous. The very talented supporting cast, led by relative unknown Matthew MacFadyen as the dashing Mr. Darcy, is a mosaic of scene stealers and spot-on turns: Brenda Blethyn as the meddling mother, Donald Sutherland as the nonchalent father and Rosamund Pike as the radiant, much sought after older sister, Jane. Director Joe Wright crafts a very modern period piece that, like its leading lady, is lovely and wonderful.
8 - HUSTLE AND FLOWChances are if you've seen a dozen movies in the past year, you've seen Terrence Howard in at least one of them. The real showcase of this very talented breakthrough actor is this, the story of a Memphis pimp yearning to be a rap star. As the antihero of this very 1970's feeling, exhilarating crowd-pleaser, Howard proves a powerhouse presence and is backed by a flawless supporting cast of actors you've probably seen in many supporting roles over the past couple of years but couldn't actually name. Taraji P. Henson as his pregnant prostitute and Taryn Manning as his current girl du-jour leave indelible impressions. Another relative newcomer filmmaker, Craig Brewer, keeps
Hustle flowing (I apologize) and his star script is one of the year’s finest.
7 - GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCKStepping out of the shoes of some Cary Grant wannabe, George Clooney proves himself the ultimate triple threat: actor, director and writer. Chronicling the on air tension between broadcast journalist Edward R. Murrow and Senator Joseph McCarthy during the Red Scare, Clooney has fashioned a film that could have easily been a stunt, but instead becomes a chilling parable. David Strathairn is God-like as Murrow, giving the character actor – who looks kinda like Curtis Hanson – his greatest role. Despite Strathairn owning the film, it’s an ensemble piece with good work by Clooney and the graceful Patricia Clarkson, who looks stunning in the film’s black and white palate. The 1950’s are brilliant recaptured down to illustrious period detail – really, you’ll want to get some scotch and cigarettes - but it’s more in what’s in the air: fear.
6 - CAPOTEHow bout those actors this year! It’s a shame you have Phoenix, Strathairn, Howard, Gordon-Levitt, and now Philip Seymour Hoffman giving once in a lifetime performances, and they still aren’t the best. Actually, it’s not really shame. Better it looks like this than this year’s actress list. As the very delicate yet flamboyant Truman Capote, Hoffman steps into a leading role after years of memorable supporting work. The engrossing film depicts his close relationship with murderer Perry Smith (Clifton Collins Jr – in the most underappreciated performance of the year) and Capote’s own childhood friend Nell Harper Lee (the understated Catherine Keener.) I very much enjoyed the early scenes of Lee and Capote investigating the Kansas murders in full Mulder and Scully mode. Dan Futterman of TV’s
Judging Amy wrote the terrific screenplay.
5 - MURDERBALLI’m not a fan of sports movies. I’m not a fan of people-with-disabilities-overcoming-all-obstacles movies. So why is it I love the documentary Murderball? Because everything those clichéd messes of saccharine get wrong, this true story gets right. There is a big game, yes. And while a lot rides on “the big game” they realize that there is a next year. The story of paraplegics playing what is essentially wheelchair rugby – nicknamed Murderball – doesn’t force any contrivances down your throat. Actually, several of the characters are pretty unsympathetic. But that’s what makes this so great – there is no black or white, good or bad. Everyone is real and rounded. No one is demanding to be loved. Nevertheless, you’ll root, cheer and cry with them.
4 - JUNEBUGThis is that indie film you just want to hug and thank for existing. (Think
The Station Agent or
Ghost World.) Sidestepping, and yet fully utilizing, the red state vs blue state mentality that’s been far too abundant in the past couple of years, this is the story of a Chicago art dealer traveling to North Carolina to make a deal with a truly unique artist and while there meeting her new in-laws. Expertly played by a talented group of character actors, Junebug is why we love indies, almost the exact polar opposite of
The Squid and the Whale. And then there’s Amy Adams. As the most loveable movie character of the year, she has a child like curiousity when it comes to almost everything. She steals your heart, runs away with it giggling and smiling. You won’t mind. Think you won’t love this to pieces? “You were not…”
3 - THE NEW WORLDTerrence Malick’s intoxicating
The New World is a wistful re-imagining of the first contact between the Natives and the English upon their arrival in the late 1600’s. Colin Farrell – with tattoos in tact – is John Smith and complete newcomer Q’orianka Kilcher is Pocahontas – though she’s never once referred to as that. The two create a breathless chemistry that exists beyond language. When they fall in love, it’s almost unlike anything you’ve ever seen portrayed on film. Oddly, this movie’s style is most reminiscent of
2001: A Space Odyssey with its use of towering visuals, extended shots, a sense of discovery and the pervasive use of classical music. The amalgamation is an emotional roller coaster, all of which is expressed with minimal dialogue in the face of Kilcher, who sadly will probably not go on to much after this.
And only two remain...
In one film, the all American man is hiding a deadly secret: he was a cold-blooded contract killer. In the other, the all American man is hiding a deadly secret: he’s in love with another man. (Which do you think America finds scarier?) The similarities between these films are striking: stoic men who drive you crazy thinking about what is going on in their caged off head and heart, confused wives, immaculate filmmakers working at the height of their powers, scripts that use very specific stylized dialogue, and acting that should be studied in acting classes – be it a fully stylized over the top kind or a realistic one. Violence and sexuality completely cut through the celluloid. These are completely American stories subverted by secrets that seem almost only ever confronted in the cinema and both films exist primarily in the cinematic world, feeding off of what others have done before as much as they weave new stories out of existing subtexts. Political ideologies run beneath the surface, but never distract from the story at hand. Everything is thrown out in the open, and no one knows how to deal with it. In the last shots of each film, characters have no clue how to appropriately communicate what they are feeling. No resolution is offered. Acceptance isn’t even a thought. Dinner plates and closets with shirts hanging in them suddenly define the times we live in.
But for everything
Brokeback Mountain and
A History of Violence have in common, this is by far the most important:
They are
THE films of 2005.
Must Owns Tomorrow:
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences' Scientific and Technical Awards Ceremony was held Feb. 18 at The Beverly Hilton. If you know anything about this event, you probably know this: a bunch of older men get awards handed to them by the host - a hot piece of ass. Past HPOAs include Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Garner, Charlize Theron and Renee Zellweger among many others. This year, since I was unavailable, Rachel McAdams was the host. Typically, this means that she would present this segment at the Oscars. I am saddened to inform you that she will be unavailable to attend the Oscar ceremony. She has previous commitments. That most likely means getting banged by boyfriend Ryan Gosling, who escorted her to the Tech Ceremony. It's obviously not a film as she currently has nothing in the works believe it or not. (And I'm giving you the option.) Anyway, I have to say that she looks like she lost a little weight, which saddens me. Too many actresses are fading away to nothing. She still looks gorgeous, though. 
Best Actor In a Supporting Role - Jake Gyllenhaal - Brokeback Mountain
HOLIDAY
Neve Campbell and Denise Richards are in talks to team up for the noirish thriller Backstabbers. The film will be directed by John McNaughton and written by Stephen Peters. All four talents worked on 1998's semi-classic Wild Things. Backstabbers is a sexy caper about a rich New York man who masterminds his wife's kidnapping after being encouraged by his mistress. Little known to him, the mistress and his bodyguard are about to doublecross him.
<---i just love how heath & michelle always cling together, if i had him i'd be clinging, too. 
